emptiness, quietness and the Lord
I have been feeling tired for a long time. And rather empty. Deep within.
Despite all my nonsense, the Lord has faithfully, faithfully walked with me.
I say this with humility. Somewhat, much amazed at His goodness, and wanting to kick my ass for my stupidity. Normally, we should be the ones walking with the Lord. Going at His pace. Following Him.
I know cos... without much hype.. Just quietly asking. No long moaning prayers.
Pls let the rain stop so we can go home. And it did shortly after, and the sun peeked out. segoi.
I need money. Then someone called with an order for cake. A new client.
This was just the last two days.
However, my heart, I really want to follow Him.
But I know I feel like I have messed up. Sometimes to the point of carelessness.
I try to walk through the normal functions for life: cooking, eating, being around for family, part time work. But it's not really being alive or awake. It feels like a stupor. Sometimes I am around. Sometimes I am not, though I am around physically. (Maybe that's why I dont really hear - cos I am too self absorbed in own world?)
But I know, God is there with me. He is still actively watching. Watching me every week, every moment. in valleys, on mountaintops. waiting. merciful...
I often wonder myself, where am I going? Why do i feel tired?
Incredibly, I know, the Lord is still here. How long He has been walking with me instead of me walking with HIm, I am not sure. In between sporadic moments of being awake, I walk with Him. At least, that's what I think, or I try to.
But I guess the Lord is not in the earthquake. He was not in the strong wind either.
Elijah found Him appearing in a still small voice. Still, small voice. Quietness. Listening. That was Elijah's posture. When was the last time I was truly, quiet enough to hear Him? Maybe... perhaps. This next adventure will be enjoying the stillness, the quietness and (God willing) hearing and seeing Him in the stillness, in the quietness.
Perhaps this will heal me of my weariness? Am still searching. Like an audio messsage i heard about the author noticing that the worship leader feeling the weariness and tiredness from feeling the pressure to 'bring the congregating to a new spiritual high to surpass the last'. Yea, man - that is very extremely tiring. I HATE that. it's called, hype. Fakeness. Performance. It aint worship. It's just wrong. But i was there. And I remember hating it and dying under the pressure. So much so when I left, I just left off praying - intercession specifically. Looking back, the pressure prob killed the love for it. No wonder cat claws came into picture. Wounded.
To Girl: I think true worship is worshipping the Father in spirit and in truth. Just that. An open, honest experience. I mean, if you feel His presence, you feel his presence. If not, then don't sweat about it. It's about Him gettting the worship we want to give, anyway. Just worship the Father - love Him, adore Him, praise and exalt Him with all your heart - yea, even quietly, sometimes out loud - does not matter. But really expressing how "worthy He is to be worship" = worthship. And in truth. In truth, means, in truth, just as you are. no need to hide. no need to go and "repent temporarily so i can worship" then "i can go back to doing what i want later...which i feel not so right about". That's fake. Hype. Self deception. It's fooling around, not really honoring God - but just temporarily washing off the mud, then like a pig - going straight back out into the mud after the bath. Sheesh. Why not, just say, I am a mess. I need help. Pls help me sort out this mess. Yea, You are God afterall. My God, and I trust You enough to let You see me as I am, knowing You wont reject me - or throw me away when You see my mess. Thanks. Maybe you will want to keep clean daily, rather than once a year during Christmas, or when a prophet is about to give a prophecy and you are scared of being called out... cos you stink. sheesh. Hypocrite.
This is all I want to say to myself for today.
Listen to: Peter Fitch's message on, Counting Sleep, on audio, from:
http://www.scvine.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=403:2010-05-09-20-45-34&catid=1:audio-teachings&Itemid=6
p.s that's how I know God is still with me. Hubby has been reminding me thrice, to watch a video someone sent us. I thought it strange. Caught my attention (it sounded like the Lord wanting to get my attention - cos been thinking of a recent dream I had of unstable boats and conferences. had prayed for understanding. thinking of foundations to build through teaching). Then we started talking about the Vineyard and Toronto incident. Then I saw a friend online who experienced the Vineyard kind of community life. whoosh. and then I felt like communicating with Peter Fitch. Then friend asked whether I had heard his sudio msgs. Then I went and checked it out. And hear, Counting sleep. whoosh. See, the Lord is still speaking me, prodigal child as I have been. sigh. He did not spank. He spoke. I should follow His example.
p.s. thanks, Lord. :) I heard. Much appreciated. Yee ha. next phase to try out... quietness. quietness. listening. heheheheh
disclaimer: by being a mess, it does NOT mean that the author has gone committed any crimes that can warrant an arrest by the authorities. in case, reading this you, the reader, gets worried. It also does NOT mean that if you visit her for a cuppa tea, she'll give you a lizard. It only means, she's going to experiment and learn to be quiet. Too noisy too long in her head.
Despite all my nonsense, the Lord has faithfully, faithfully walked with me.
I say this with humility. Somewhat, much amazed at His goodness, and wanting to kick my ass for my stupidity. Normally, we should be the ones walking with the Lord. Going at His pace. Following Him.
I know cos... without much hype.. Just quietly asking. No long moaning prayers.
Pls let the rain stop so we can go home. And it did shortly after, and the sun peeked out. segoi.
I need money. Then someone called with an order for cake. A new client.
This was just the last two days.
However, my heart, I really want to follow Him.
But I know I feel like I have messed up. Sometimes to the point of carelessness.
I try to walk through the normal functions for life: cooking, eating, being around for family, part time work. But it's not really being alive or awake. It feels like a stupor. Sometimes I am around. Sometimes I am not, though I am around physically. (Maybe that's why I dont really hear - cos I am too self absorbed in own world?)
But I know, God is there with me. He is still actively watching. Watching me every week, every moment. in valleys, on mountaintops. waiting. merciful...
I often wonder myself, where am I going? Why do i feel tired?
Incredibly, I know, the Lord is still here. How long He has been walking with me instead of me walking with HIm, I am not sure. In between sporadic moments of being awake, I walk with Him. At least, that's what I think, or I try to.
But I guess the Lord is not in the earthquake. He was not in the strong wind either.
Elijah found Him appearing in a still small voice. Still, small voice. Quietness. Listening. That was Elijah's posture. When was the last time I was truly, quiet enough to hear Him? Maybe... perhaps. This next adventure will be enjoying the stillness, the quietness and (God willing) hearing and seeing Him in the stillness, in the quietness.
Perhaps this will heal me of my weariness? Am still searching. Like an audio messsage i heard about the author noticing that the worship leader feeling the weariness and tiredness from feeling the pressure to 'bring the congregating to a new spiritual high to surpass the last'. Yea, man - that is very extremely tiring. I HATE that. it's called, hype. Fakeness. Performance. It aint worship. It's just wrong. But i was there. And I remember hating it and dying under the pressure. So much so when I left, I just left off praying - intercession specifically. Looking back, the pressure prob killed the love for it. No wonder cat claws came into picture. Wounded.
To Girl: I think true worship is worshipping the Father in spirit and in truth. Just that. An open, honest experience. I mean, if you feel His presence, you feel his presence. If not, then don't sweat about it. It's about Him gettting the worship we want to give, anyway. Just worship the Father - love Him, adore Him, praise and exalt Him with all your heart - yea, even quietly, sometimes out loud - does not matter. But really expressing how "worthy He is to be worship" = worthship. And in truth. In truth, means, in truth, just as you are. no need to hide. no need to go and "repent temporarily so i can worship" then "i can go back to doing what i want later...which i feel not so right about". That's fake. Hype. Self deception. It's fooling around, not really honoring God - but just temporarily washing off the mud, then like a pig - going straight back out into the mud after the bath. Sheesh. Why not, just say, I am a mess. I need help. Pls help me sort out this mess. Yea, You are God afterall. My God, and I trust You enough to let You see me as I am, knowing You wont reject me - or throw me away when You see my mess. Thanks. Maybe you will want to keep clean daily, rather than once a year during Christmas, or when a prophet is about to give a prophecy and you are scared of being called out... cos you stink. sheesh. Hypocrite.
This is all I want to say to myself for today.
Listen to: Peter Fitch's message on, Counting Sleep, on audio, from:
http://www.scvine.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=403:2010-05-09-20-45-34&catid=1:audio-teachings&Itemid=6
p.s that's how I know God is still with me. Hubby has been reminding me thrice, to watch a video someone sent us. I thought it strange. Caught my attention (it sounded like the Lord wanting to get my attention - cos been thinking of a recent dream I had of unstable boats and conferences. had prayed for understanding. thinking of foundations to build through teaching). Then we started talking about the Vineyard and Toronto incident. Then I saw a friend online who experienced the Vineyard kind of community life. whoosh. and then I felt like communicating with Peter Fitch. Then friend asked whether I had heard his sudio msgs. Then I went and checked it out. And hear, Counting sleep. whoosh. See, the Lord is still speaking me, prodigal child as I have been. sigh. He did not spank. He spoke. I should follow His example.
p.s. thanks, Lord. :) I heard. Much appreciated. Yee ha. next phase to try out... quietness. quietness. listening. heheheheh
disclaimer: by being a mess, it does NOT mean that the author has gone committed any crimes that can warrant an arrest by the authorities. in case, reading this you, the reader, gets worried. It also does NOT mean that if you visit her for a cuppa tea, she'll give you a lizard. It only means, she's going to experiment and learn to be quiet. Too noisy too long in her head.
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