"Honest facing"
I came across this word, Honest facing, while listening to Peter Fitch. This word struck me simply because I have unfinished business with The Father. I had started burying old hatchets. But even as I write now, I think, surrendering the old hatchets to be utterly destroyed is even better. So that I will not have any more use for them. Nor any access to them. hahaha.
In the distant past - well, almost a decade ago, as a young believer, I was in a situation where someone I respected and loved, failed in their leadership. It caused much damage and hurt. Somehow unconsciously, I guess I did not want to really believe the person was the main protagonist. I wanted to believe the person was, well, yes A protagonist, rather than The Main Protagonist. I had laid blame on the other protagonist as well, laying equal blame. I guess maybe the pain was too much and that was my method of survival in dealing with it - not wanting to believe the actions of the people I loved were fully evil, and they were fully responsible. I had somehow left a caveat... they did that because...ALSO because...so and so also were wrong (so and so being the person i loved less). This is actually blatant DENIAL.
Was I angry at that point? I remember when told, Your worst fear is confirmed -- anguish was the first reaction. But yes, deep inside, I now realised, I was angry. Last year, I met a fellow sufferer of the same leadership who heard good news of this protagonist. This comrade believes that the protagonist has been fully healed, restored and of course, was back ont he road in active ministry. When I heard that, I guess part off me deep down, could not accept it. The protagonist had not publicly apologized and acknowledged wrong! I was emulating Judge Dread. But then I struggled. Because the good and right thing to do was to rejoice when one who was lost has come back to the sheepfold. I stuggled because I still had reservations. I did not want to behave like the "older brother" in prodigal son, and tried my darnest to be happy, speak the right words and be enthusiastic about the restoration. Yup, I was playing hypocrite, I guess - to myself, denying and deceiving myself.
I sometimes seriously wonder, what Father God thinks when He sees this conflict and drama going on in my own life. Seriously. And of all people, recently, news came to my ears that the protagonist has repeated the similar mistake. Different scenario, similar scene. Part of me was again, surprised. But seriously, deep down, I did not feel surprised. I felt numb. I was not really sad either, though I wanted to think I was sad. The only vestige of compassion I felt was for the people close to the protagonist. I wanted to yell this whole story to those who used to be in the same boat. Some of which are still recovering from the stumble. In fact, I stupidly mention this story to a happy bird who had been in the same boat. It was a happy bird who first told me the protagonist was back in active service, and asked me what I thought of it. I dont remembering answering the bird. Maybe I mumbled the expected, That's good. I am not sure. But seriously, that counted, I believe as ONE mud sling - because of the intention. What was my intention? Why? Only we know how evil our own hearts can be. But you know, my own hands were tainted. I felt immediate remorse. Pain. This made me realised - I was still actually angry with the protagonist. This time, quite angry.
The good part of the story is: I acknowledged I am angry with the protagonist.
By acknowledging this, I can then forgive and move on.
The sad part is: I actually do not need to wait for the protagonist to err again. Now, as I write, I feel sincere pain for the family. I had dwelt too long in denial of my true feelings because I wanted to hold on to what was good. This family really helped me as a young student starting college. The wife brought her helper to clean up a muddy apartment for the students on her own initiative. The husband fetch me to view the apartment when I felt overwhelmed at having to manage the shifting of the students' belongings alone. Clueless I had dropped by the office, and when the wife saw me and said, What's wrong, dear? I burst out crying like a dam. When I felt tired helping out at the office, the husband lightly tapped my shoulder with a Miss Piggy puppet, and that really cheered me up. I deeply appreciate their kindness, and remember it in great detail till today.
Does this mean by acknowledging the truth earlier, we can move on faster and perhaps recover fully quicker? And maybe even bring encouragement to the people hurt by this situation as well? I dont really know. Now, I realise I dont have to be afraid of acknowledging the wrong deed. I guess this is what honest facing is all about. When we see the wrong, honestly face ourselves, and acknowledge our true reactions or responses to it, and then forgive the person for the wrong; we are SET free to move forward. Who knows if the opportunity might present itself one day to return the encuragement and good deed to them? The future is still yet to be walked out by God's grace. With all these written out, I realise that I still love them.
Maybe the anger needs to be acknowledged so it won't block our true feelings from coming forth so we can be our trueselves? I guess in all these anger, the attitude of gratitude saves us from becoming consumed with anger and throwing the baby out with the bathwater. With these words, I remember my Father, who despises no one because He is mighty in strength of understanding. Shukhran Adonai, Elohim. Truly His mercies are from everlasting to everlasting - hence, providing me a way and a place to seek His forgivness as well for the wrong I have done as well through Jesus Christ our Lord. The Lord is truly gracious and longsuffering, merciful and compassionate, forgiving the iniquities of His people.
In the distant past - well, almost a decade ago, as a young believer, I was in a situation where someone I respected and loved, failed in their leadership. It caused much damage and hurt. Somehow unconsciously, I guess I did not want to really believe the person was the main protagonist. I wanted to believe the person was, well, yes A protagonist, rather than The Main Protagonist. I had laid blame on the other protagonist as well, laying equal blame. I guess maybe the pain was too much and that was my method of survival in dealing with it - not wanting to believe the actions of the people I loved were fully evil, and they were fully responsible. I had somehow left a caveat... they did that because...ALSO because...so and so also were wrong (so and so being the person i loved less). This is actually blatant DENIAL.
Was I angry at that point? I remember when told, Your worst fear is confirmed -- anguish was the first reaction. But yes, deep inside, I now realised, I was angry. Last year, I met a fellow sufferer of the same leadership who heard good news of this protagonist. This comrade believes that the protagonist has been fully healed, restored and of course, was back ont he road in active ministry. When I heard that, I guess part off me deep down, could not accept it. The protagonist had not publicly apologized and acknowledged wrong! I was emulating Judge Dread. But then I struggled. Because the good and right thing to do was to rejoice when one who was lost has come back to the sheepfold. I stuggled because I still had reservations. I did not want to behave like the "older brother" in prodigal son, and tried my darnest to be happy, speak the right words and be enthusiastic about the restoration. Yup, I was playing hypocrite, I guess - to myself, denying and deceiving myself.
I sometimes seriously wonder, what Father God thinks when He sees this conflict and drama going on in my own life. Seriously. And of all people, recently, news came to my ears that the protagonist has repeated the similar mistake. Different scenario, similar scene. Part of me was again, surprised. But seriously, deep down, I did not feel surprised. I felt numb. I was not really sad either, though I wanted to think I was sad. The only vestige of compassion I felt was for the people close to the protagonist. I wanted to yell this whole story to those who used to be in the same boat. Some of which are still recovering from the stumble. In fact, I stupidly mention this story to a happy bird who had been in the same boat. It was a happy bird who first told me the protagonist was back in active service, and asked me what I thought of it. I dont remembering answering the bird. Maybe I mumbled the expected, That's good. I am not sure. But seriously, that counted, I believe as ONE mud sling - because of the intention. What was my intention? Why? Only we know how evil our own hearts can be. But you know, my own hands were tainted. I felt immediate remorse. Pain. This made me realised - I was still actually angry with the protagonist. This time, quite angry.
The good part of the story is: I acknowledged I am angry with the protagonist.
By acknowledging this, I can then forgive and move on.
The sad part is: I actually do not need to wait for the protagonist to err again. Now, as I write, I feel sincere pain for the family. I had dwelt too long in denial of my true feelings because I wanted to hold on to what was good. This family really helped me as a young student starting college. The wife brought her helper to clean up a muddy apartment for the students on her own initiative. The husband fetch me to view the apartment when I felt overwhelmed at having to manage the shifting of the students' belongings alone. Clueless I had dropped by the office, and when the wife saw me and said, What's wrong, dear? I burst out crying like a dam. When I felt tired helping out at the office, the husband lightly tapped my shoulder with a Miss Piggy puppet, and that really cheered me up. I deeply appreciate their kindness, and remember it in great detail till today.
Does this mean by acknowledging the truth earlier, we can move on faster and perhaps recover fully quicker? And maybe even bring encouragement to the people hurt by this situation as well? I dont really know. Now, I realise I dont have to be afraid of acknowledging the wrong deed. I guess this is what honest facing is all about. When we see the wrong, honestly face ourselves, and acknowledge our true reactions or responses to it, and then forgive the person for the wrong; we are SET free to move forward. Who knows if the opportunity might present itself one day to return the encuragement and good deed to them? The future is still yet to be walked out by God's grace. With all these written out, I realise that I still love them.
Maybe the anger needs to be acknowledged so it won't block our true feelings from coming forth so we can be our trueselves? I guess in all these anger, the attitude of gratitude saves us from becoming consumed with anger and throwing the baby out with the bathwater. With these words, I remember my Father, who despises no one because He is mighty in strength of understanding. Shukhran Adonai, Elohim. Truly His mercies are from everlasting to everlasting - hence, providing me a way and a place to seek His forgivness as well for the wrong I have done as well through Jesus Christ our Lord. The Lord is truly gracious and longsuffering, merciful and compassionate, forgiving the iniquities of His people.
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