random thoughts about listening to one's heart
"Busy-ness". I hate this word personally. But so oft use it. ugh. True, there are times when our responsibilities requires us to be occupied physically or mentally. But I find despite having a full load - if my heart is still quiet - then I am still anchored and not lost in the sea of life. Simply because the heart is quiet enough to listen to the Lord. Not meaning to be cheesy, but truly, I do find His words - life giving.
But many times as well not only do I find my schedule tight, and hands full - but heart is all afflutter as well. In those times, I feel lost. And now is such a time. sigh. Conscious action. Conscious refocusing on the Lord. Intentional. That was what I tried doing recently. Simply because though I was present at a party place - but I felt really deeply lonely and lost. I felt lost simply because I was disconnected with the Lord. My heart was far far away - and I was not sure what was occupying it. I feel only darkness can separate us from the Lord. And the darkness is usually caused by some unsettle angst or anger somewhere, or being emotionally stuck in the past - because it was recently revisited. Such fruitlessness.
Basically - if I cannot even hear what my own heart is saying, can I even hear what the people around me is really saying, much less the Lord? Today I sit here to write to clarify my thoughts.
Yesterday something happened. A silly and foolish deed done on a whim. And due to fear of betraying others - accepted self deception. (so convulted). Then I was asking myself - why is my heart so heavy and darkness so thick that I could feel no inclination to value life. Was it the worthless words that I spoke? On being quiet, forcefully - I suddenly realised, I was denying my true intentions in the deed done.
In denying I had done wrong and was trying to justify. Hence my heart hurt. It hurt really bad, and I really could not sleep. When I was quiet, suddenly I could see my wrong. Then I was greatly encouraged because I felt the pain in my heart was probably a correction of the Lord for denying the truth. Then I felt great joy - for I realised that I was still on the Lord's mind. And He had bothered to correct me. He corrected because He is Father. For that, I am deeply thankful.
But many times as well not only do I find my schedule tight, and hands full - but heart is all afflutter as well. In those times, I feel lost. And now is such a time. sigh. Conscious action. Conscious refocusing on the Lord. Intentional. That was what I tried doing recently. Simply because though I was present at a party place - but I felt really deeply lonely and lost. I felt lost simply because I was disconnected with the Lord. My heart was far far away - and I was not sure what was occupying it. I feel only darkness can separate us from the Lord. And the darkness is usually caused by some unsettle angst or anger somewhere, or being emotionally stuck in the past - because it was recently revisited. Such fruitlessness.
Basically - if I cannot even hear what my own heart is saying, can I even hear what the people around me is really saying, much less the Lord? Today I sit here to write to clarify my thoughts.
Yesterday something happened. A silly and foolish deed done on a whim. And due to fear of betraying others - accepted self deception. (so convulted). Then I was asking myself - why is my heart so heavy and darkness so thick that I could feel no inclination to value life. Was it the worthless words that I spoke? On being quiet, forcefully - I suddenly realised, I was denying my true intentions in the deed done.
In denying I had done wrong and was trying to justify. Hence my heart hurt. It hurt really bad, and I really could not sleep. When I was quiet, suddenly I could see my wrong. Then I was greatly encouraged because I felt the pain in my heart was probably a correction of the Lord for denying the truth. Then I felt great joy - for I realised that I was still on the Lord's mind. And He had bothered to correct me. He corrected because He is Father. For that, I am deeply thankful.
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