just "hang it" and leave it there
Today I woke up shortly, thinking of "hanging the whole "pastor title'" thing on the hook. Leave it there. Leave the subconscious expectations or pressure of living up to that subconscious - probably preconceived - so preconceived till you don't know you are even doing it - up once and for all.
It was like an application running rogue on your iphone, draining off the battery - till you are wondering what is happening.
This was the problem: I did not realise these thoughts or subconscious programming was still running rogue in my system. Yes, we had left the church planting scene back then, went on a sabbatical - that enabled us to take care of mom. Automatically stepping up to care for a group who felt as lost as I was partly. For half a year or so, I just meandered alone.
Followed by that, little boy came along. Probably with all these nonstop juggling of roles in my life had left me too tired by the end of the day to reflect or even care to reflect, except once a while, on this blog. hahaha.
So this little "rogue programming" of "trying to live up to being it - " - whatever that "it" means unexposed, quietly draining my energy away. Till last night.
I met someone who invited me to share on our experience of doing an Alpha programme in a small group's perspective in a major conference next week. I immediately declined as felt our experience was insufficient and not ready for such things.
So how now. What is happening now simultaneously is that - I started hearing from the Lord again clearly, expectedly. Like the operation of a word of knowledge had rebooted itself. This is probably due to the prayer I felt inspired by the gracious Holy Spirit to pray last Thurs.
What I intend to do is start over from step one: or rather, continue on from wherever and whenever I had left off. I feel like i have strayed off the path. It's not really a path of pursuit of something ie calling - that I am looking for at this point. Rather, I am really looking for the Lord. That's all.
In finding Him, I believe I will find what I have been longing and searching for.
It was like an application running rogue on your iphone, draining off the battery - till you are wondering what is happening.
This was the problem: I did not realise these thoughts or subconscious programming was still running rogue in my system. Yes, we had left the church planting scene back then, went on a sabbatical - that enabled us to take care of mom. Automatically stepping up to care for a group who felt as lost as I was partly. For half a year or so, I just meandered alone.
Followed by that, little boy came along. Probably with all these nonstop juggling of roles in my life had left me too tired by the end of the day to reflect or even care to reflect, except once a while, on this blog. hahaha.
So this little "rogue programming" of "trying to live up to being it - " - whatever that "it" means unexposed, quietly draining my energy away. Till last night.
I met someone who invited me to share on our experience of doing an Alpha programme in a small group's perspective in a major conference next week. I immediately declined as felt our experience was insufficient and not ready for such things.
So how now. What is happening now simultaneously is that - I started hearing from the Lord again clearly, expectedly. Like the operation of a word of knowledge had rebooted itself. This is probably due to the prayer I felt inspired by the gracious Holy Spirit to pray last Thurs.
What I intend to do is start over from step one: or rather, continue on from wherever and whenever I had left off. I feel like i have strayed off the path. It's not really a path of pursuit of something ie calling - that I am looking for at this point. Rather, I am really looking for the Lord. That's all.
In finding Him, I believe I will find what I have been longing and searching for.
Comments