Am I merely existing or truly alive?
Unrealisingly, this has become my journal. Journal of what's happening in the heart and mind. It was supposed to be a journal for our little boy. Anyway, time had gone by so fast, I feel like I just woke up, finally, painfully.
Two mornings ago, half awake, I heard my heart pray, Lord, please teach me to how to live life and not just exist. Being in a daze, and hearing this prayer, I reiterated the prayer in agreement, and said, Amen.I did some soul searching, opened my eyes, and looked around, and realised painfully - I had merely been coasting along, and not really truly living life as should be. Painful realisation. God please help me to live life as You intended.
Then yesterday, I found myself in a spot that required an immediate act of exercising authority to witness a demonstration of the power of God to set free. But I suddenly realised I felt "powerless". Perhaps I was half in denial, wondering whether it was really happening. hahahaha. I did not "jump in" and prayed with fervour as would have done in previous times. I stood aside and let the others pray, separating myself to ask the Lord, what to do. Someone had a word of knowledge, and looked at me, implying, what should i do? I asked her to go ahead and take authority, since the matter was revealed to her. The only thought I had was to use oil to anoint.
Then after that, the tune of Brian Doerkson's Father Me, came to mind. But my mind had forgotten the lyrics. Rather, I have never memorised the lyrics. The rest started singing a thanksigiving song, and a powerful presence of God's love was released. I saw a neutral person just stood there and wept large drops of tears. But me, I felt nothing. I felt nothing at all. Now I really am disturbed. Have I become so dead to the leading of the Holy Spirit that I feel nothing, absolutely nothing at all?
I am troubled. Of course, someone's life is at stake here. Our paths have crossed. Have I become so earthly bound, that I have become so insensitive to the voice of God, and ineffective as a vessel to re-present him or his love?
No doubt there are still signs of God's ever ever faithful presence. But yet, it is not He who has gone away. It was I who have run away. I have stopped coming over for visits. The courtyard where I used to play, seemed unkempt, with leaves from the trees scattered here and there is abundance. The season in that court where we use to have sweet communion seems to be in autumn. Autumn, where things are dying in preparation for winter? Or it is really dying? Is it really true, that the trees have withered so much? Are the roots still alive. Yet I see the Lord, with a cloak over his head, standing there suddenly at the frame of the wooden door, entrance from the courtyard to the holy place. Seeing this with the eyes of my heart, I am glad; relieved. All is not lost. He is here for me, to bring me further if I will come at this hour.
Why have i run away in the past, or hidden myself? I am not aware. Could it be shame somehow? Anyway, my acceptance also is not based on what I have done or who I am. All that does not matter. What matters is He has come, accepted me as I am. And I only need to hold his hand and follow Him in meekness. Please forgive this conceited sheep, O Lord. Let me follow You in meekness this time wherever You will lead. amen.
And now, as I reflect on happenings these few days, I realised... the Lord is once again working - to bring me back to Him. Hello Abba, I need to get reacquainted with You - and really know You as You are. Perhaps my "image" of who You really are have got stuck somewhere, and I have deceived myself in thinking I know you, but when I dont really. Forgive me, Holy Spirit. Forgive me Lord. Please show me the Father once again. I love you. amen, and thanks - from this little grateful heart.
Two mornings ago, half awake, I heard my heart pray, Lord, please teach me to how to live life and not just exist. Being in a daze, and hearing this prayer, I reiterated the prayer in agreement, and said, Amen.I did some soul searching, opened my eyes, and looked around, and realised painfully - I had merely been coasting along, and not really truly living life as should be. Painful realisation. God please help me to live life as You intended.
Then yesterday, I found myself in a spot that required an immediate act of exercising authority to witness a demonstration of the power of God to set free. But I suddenly realised I felt "powerless". Perhaps I was half in denial, wondering whether it was really happening. hahahaha. I did not "jump in" and prayed with fervour as would have done in previous times. I stood aside and let the others pray, separating myself to ask the Lord, what to do. Someone had a word of knowledge, and looked at me, implying, what should i do? I asked her to go ahead and take authority, since the matter was revealed to her. The only thought I had was to use oil to anoint.
Then after that, the tune of Brian Doerkson's Father Me, came to mind. But my mind had forgotten the lyrics. Rather, I have never memorised the lyrics. The rest started singing a thanksigiving song, and a powerful presence of God's love was released. I saw a neutral person just stood there and wept large drops of tears. But me, I felt nothing. I felt nothing at all. Now I really am disturbed. Have I become so dead to the leading of the Holy Spirit that I feel nothing, absolutely nothing at all?
I am troubled. Of course, someone's life is at stake here. Our paths have crossed. Have I become so earthly bound, that I have become so insensitive to the voice of God, and ineffective as a vessel to re-present him or his love?
No doubt there are still signs of God's ever ever faithful presence. But yet, it is not He who has gone away. It was I who have run away. I have stopped coming over for visits. The courtyard where I used to play, seemed unkempt, with leaves from the trees scattered here and there is abundance. The season in that court where we use to have sweet communion seems to be in autumn. Autumn, where things are dying in preparation for winter? Or it is really dying? Is it really true, that the trees have withered so much? Are the roots still alive. Yet I see the Lord, with a cloak over his head, standing there suddenly at the frame of the wooden door, entrance from the courtyard to the holy place. Seeing this with the eyes of my heart, I am glad; relieved. All is not lost. He is here for me, to bring me further if I will come at this hour.
Why have i run away in the past, or hidden myself? I am not aware. Could it be shame somehow? Anyway, my acceptance also is not based on what I have done or who I am. All that does not matter. What matters is He has come, accepted me as I am. And I only need to hold his hand and follow Him in meekness. Please forgive this conceited sheep, O Lord. Let me follow You in meekness this time wherever You will lead. amen.
And now, as I reflect on happenings these few days, I realised... the Lord is once again working - to bring me back to Him. Hello Abba, I need to get reacquainted with You - and really know You as You are. Perhaps my "image" of who You really are have got stuck somewhere, and I have deceived myself in thinking I know you, but when I dont really. Forgive me, Holy Spirit. Forgive me Lord. Please show me the Father once again. I love you. amen, and thanks - from this little grateful heart.
Comments
Don't rely others' experiences to check yours with God. Isn't it a intimate one between Him and you???
Mr Apple
I was just thinking how much I resemble a plough. Kind of feeling resistance within myself- 'terrible two' mode on a stuck button. But I pray God pull me along despite myself; so the dirt in my heart is loosened and magic is indeed possible :) Why do I sometimes doubt good harvests?
After we spoke, I was just reading this: "But you must really believe it will happen and have no doubt in your heart. I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you've received it, it will be yours. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too." Mark 11:23+-26
I love you and you're the cutest!
SB, Thanks for the feedback, and the encouraging verse. Coincidentally (or not!) the verse Mark 11:23 also came up a few times on recent Monday. Interesting how the Lord speaks a verse again and again to confirm through various people. Yea, maybe I need to do let Him do some soul searching for me - to uproot those "hidden hatchets" of bitterness that might still be unknowingly poisoning my life and hindering my feet from walking on a straight path. Thanks for the verse in its context.