Hope deferred for the moment
Anger inevitably follows disappointment.
disappointment stems from hope deferred.
hope deferred stems from a promise that you almost could hold in your hand.
But suddenly, it is gone.
Today is Day 2.
Yesterday was Day 1. January 14, 2011.
Starting time: 4.15 am. Two major cervical contractions. Followed by brief period of respite. Uteral contractions followed. Result. Complete discharge.
I am here on earth. Someone I love died. and is now in heaven. My consolation (a great comfort) is - the person is with the Lord. And the Lord, I know, without doubt, takes care better than me.
So today I started off feeling numb.
Yesterday was filled with gratefulness at God's goodness.
Though I am still grateful. But I guess part of me is torn. How can one's own child die in one's own womb?
I dont have an answer.
I dont really want to hear what others want to say at this point.
I have done too much research and heard one too many an opinion.
Plus I dont want I really dont want think anything at this point. These are the raging feelings. .. I wanted to hold the child in my hands. I want someone to play with Little Boy. And for a short while, I did. Ah Lord God Thou hast made the heaven and the earth by Thine Great power. Nothing is too difficult for Thee.
All reasoning seems to be moot. Maybe because I am drained emotionally.
Not only me, but my hubby as well.
He had been working non stop esp at the start of this whole valley experience.
I am unable to cry when others are around. I just feel numb.
But when I am lying down on the bed at night. I can't sleep.
There are not any concrete thoughts, just a sense of overwhlmingness.
Maybe it's my body - telling me of its grief as well.
Our spark of joy around us constantly has been trying to entertain us.
I noticed this. And Little BOy may notice something is amiss, hence his increased little hugs and spontaneos kisses. I am glad at the end of the day, despite all it's pain - for the gift of God's life in each and every one of us.
Part of me wants to shout and celebrate God's gift of life and treasure people around.
The other part, is still processing... was this a dream? Did this really happen? Was I too careless? I dont know. I really dont. but what I do know is - I know that this valley looks dark at the moment. But we are not alone. The Lord, Emmanuel, is with us. oe that very thought itself - i know, He will lead us out of this. Meanwhile, I will try to sleep. After all, sleep is an act of faith. And Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. What is impossible for men, is possible with God. Only believe. He is, God, after all.
disappointment stems from hope deferred.
hope deferred stems from a promise that you almost could hold in your hand.
But suddenly, it is gone.
Today is Day 2.
Yesterday was Day 1. January 14, 2011.
Starting time: 4.15 am. Two major cervical contractions. Followed by brief period of respite. Uteral contractions followed. Result. Complete discharge.
I am here on earth. Someone I love died. and is now in heaven. My consolation (a great comfort) is - the person is with the Lord. And the Lord, I know, without doubt, takes care better than me.
So today I started off feeling numb.
Yesterday was filled with gratefulness at God's goodness.
Though I am still grateful. But I guess part of me is torn. How can one's own child die in one's own womb?
I dont have an answer.
I dont really want to hear what others want to say at this point.
I have done too much research and heard one too many an opinion.
Plus I dont want I really dont want think anything at this point. These are the raging feelings. .. I wanted to hold the child in my hands. I want someone to play with Little Boy. And for a short while, I did. Ah Lord God Thou hast made the heaven and the earth by Thine Great power. Nothing is too difficult for Thee.
All reasoning seems to be moot. Maybe because I am drained emotionally.
Not only me, but my hubby as well.
He had been working non stop esp at the start of this whole valley experience.
I am unable to cry when others are around. I just feel numb.
But when I am lying down on the bed at night. I can't sleep.
There are not any concrete thoughts, just a sense of overwhlmingness.
Maybe it's my body - telling me of its grief as well.
Our spark of joy around us constantly has been trying to entertain us.
I noticed this. And Little BOy may notice something is amiss, hence his increased little hugs and spontaneos kisses. I am glad at the end of the day, despite all it's pain - for the gift of God's life in each and every one of us.
Part of me wants to shout and celebrate God's gift of life and treasure people around.
The other part, is still processing... was this a dream? Did this really happen? Was I too careless? I dont know. I really dont. but what I do know is - I know that this valley looks dark at the moment. But we are not alone. The Lord, Emmanuel, is with us. oe that very thought itself - i know, He will lead us out of this. Meanwhile, I will try to sleep. After all, sleep is an act of faith. And Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. What is impossible for men, is possible with God. Only believe. He is, God, after all.
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