a personal account of unforgiveness

Few days ago, someone suggested that I add a person I knew to my social network list. I was unsure. I have been thinking - whether to do it. I was hesitant to open my life to the scrutiny of a person from my painful past.

Then today I suddenly remembered a particular prophecy, delivered through Elizabeth Alves. Then I found after rummaging through the digital files.

Prophecy through Elizabeth Alves, FGA Subang, Sept 13, 2005
God is settting you free from a spirit of timidity. You have seen agressive, obnoxious people and you do not want to be like them.
(From now, whoever touches you touches the Lord).
The Lord says pray for those who have used and abused you, and you will see the glory of God all around.

Of late, I have been thinking about the issue of forgiveness. This is a foundational principle in our Christian faith. God forgave, and He redeemed creation through His love expressed through forgiveness in Jesus Christ.

I have been praying for the Lord to speak to me. I just want to move forward. On 30 August, we suddenly found ourselves at a retreat for leaders. I heard the speaker, Dr Lee Bee Teik said, Jesus has already paid what is owing from the other person to you. So it's unfair for us to exact more from the person. Then she went on to describe some symptoms of unforgiveness.

On further reflection, I realised I was angry again. I was angry when the person whom I felt had wronged me had something to rejoice about and I was not happy. hahahaha. This sure was one big sign of unforgiveness, sticking out like a sore thumb in my life. So I decided to do something about it.

I realised forgiveness - requires one to acknowledge that you have been victimized, not only when you have been the perpetrator. I find it easy to "forgive" when I feel remorse at having hurt someone I love. But I find it hard to accept the reality of betrayal or abuse in that situation. This time especially. It was someone I had deeply respected and honoured. I guess it did take me this long to finally accept - that the person really did wrong. You get my drift. And when I finally accepted reality, I got angry. Yes, I had immediately decided to forgive. But then now I realise, you cannot forgive someone unless you really take a good look at what either you or the other person has actually done. Acknowledge it, and dont try to shush shush it away - or give excuses for the other person or yourself. Just acknowledge the truth.

Then and only then, when we have acknowledge the truth, no matter how ugly - we can forgive - by accepting humbly the death of Jesus on the Cross - the price He paid for the other person's wrong towards you. As well as your wrong towards the other person.

I had refused to see the ugliness of it all. Being a stubborn loyalist. It takes time for me to acknowledge someone has wronged me. I recalled someone close to the person responsible - said to me, "You dont have to defend the person." Here is where a strength of loyalty becomes a stumbling block to moving forward. It became a weakness that stumbled me. Because I had chosen blindness, rather than embracing the pain of rejection and betrayal. I guess that is partly why some of my stuff from my former workplace are still in boxes. I did not really want to look at it. Now they have really become junk, seriously. Gosh. And it is cluttering my life.

And because Jesus - the love of my life - died to repay the other person's debt towards me before God as well - I find I have no more strength to hold up the hatchet anymore. Jesus had died for the person's wrongs. As well as my wrongs towards others. So - when I accept and acknowledged this truth, I find my hands feel like tofu. The fire of anger in my heart is literally quenched. I can only take a stance of surrender to Jesus. As I accept the hand of the Lord held up to me - to bring reconciliation with the other person, tonight, I feel absolutely drained of power to even scold, or be angry. There is just a sense of wanting to rest in the Lord, lean on Him and surrender. If He wants me to lift up my hands, I will do it. If He wants me to shake hands, I agree, Whatever You want, Lord, is my response.

Then, after my hesitation to add the person back to my list of social networking, the person personally requested to be added. So I jumped off the boat of reasoning and did what I felt was right in my heart. Just add lah. After that, I had felt so restless, almost like a restless lion - prowling left and right. Right till I had written this blog post, and revisited the truth: Jesus died to repay the person's sin towards me before the Great Judge, God the Father. So will I accept the verdict? The person is declared innocent by God. What about me, Lord? I choose tonight to accept the payment made by Jesus on the Cross for my wrongs - and the person's wrongs.

As I am writing down all these, I realised: In a nutshell, why it had been so difficult was - like I lost a father all over again. True, I experienced unconditional love from this family in my early years when I was recovering from another painful episode. They were family literally to me. But this person after years of working together, wholehearted - at the end, declared he did not know whether I trusted them enough to tell them my plans after leaving. He trusted someone who played politics in the office. I hate office politics. Betrayed my confidence. Manipulated my insecurities by sowing seeds of suspicion in my marriage by implying and bringing to attention how close my spouse was to other girls. Sowed seeds of distrust/division between my hubby and his best childhood friend. His reason/excuse was he cared for me. Yes I do know he cared for me. But why this response? Why do these things? Were these things done intentionally? Out of fear and insecurity? Why? Was I so influential that you became scared that I will take the people away? I never even saw myself that way. It felt like a bad joke. I left the ministry with a slight stutter, my confidence shattered. No doubt in the natural they gave me an honourable send-off : nice dinner, prayer for farewell, love gift, an impartation and a song, My Future is in Your hands. I had that at the very least - it was a gift of God. But after that, when someone felt led by the Lord to follow us out - though we clearly and plainly said: we have nothing to offer. No position, no nothing. We were given the left foot of fellowship. My own friends who ate, live and slept togehter in the same house - in the same ministry - turned against me. The person I mentored lost trust in me and later I painfully heard he became shipwreck in his faith. Friends were told not to contact us, and we not to contact them as well. We were labelled outcasts by the only community we had grown up in. Looking back, I realised "my world, my friends who were my family, my community" - were gone.

Many times when I recall these things, I feel liek kicking myself. Why did I not see the choice to see freedom? It was my own failure of choice. I should have chosen differently. I felt all the commitment, trust I had placed in them had been trampled, and all my devotion declared useless. How can I tell you what I do not know myself? In the end, the only person who remained constant in my life - never betrayed ever ever ever ever ever - is God the Father. God my Father. Yes I can still feel angry and hurt. But God had stepped in and protected me many many times. I recalled even once, this person said, The Lord said not to shelve you. But now I realised, more than angry, I was very simply, just heartbroken.

But now, my Father in heaven says, It is time. Forgive. So my response? Having said all these, and re-visiting it was painful tonight. I choose to forgive. And I also seek forgiveness. For my secret rebellion and apathy when I could not agree. For my complainings and murmurings. For my lack of boldness to confront. For fearing men, and trusting in them more than in You - many times. For not being able to let go and trust You fully all these years. Father- please forgive me. I now, lay down my hatchet, my right to lift it up and fully accept the payment for the wrong done to me paid on the Cross through Jesus Christ. Most of all, Father, I give You my heart. Again. Please heal me. heal this person as well so that the person will be truly healed and fulfill the desires of Your heart as You see fit. I give up the right to hold unforgivenss towards this person, family and ministry. As for me and my household, we will serve You Lord. And for me personally, I pray - please forgive me, and help me to move forward from this day on. In Jesus's name. amen.

Dear friends, if you read this blog, please do not feel angry on my behalf. I wrote this so I can move forward. You do not need to know who the person is. Even if you do, it is an incident that happened almost a decade ago. I do not know how this person is now. We must give room for ppl to change. So never take offense on my behalf. If you felt angry for me, pls forgive that person. Just that I request -pls pray for me that I can move forward and truly forgive. I dont want to be stuck anymore. Thanks. with love, girl.